Many people come to me when they are having relationship problems. They are usually unhappy and want help to improve their situation. Sometimes I say things that they really don’t want to hear as I am a realist.
All you have to do is turn on the television or read a news blog to realize that there are many misconceptions that are hampering people’s ability to enjoy strong, healthy relationships. Are you realistic about the facts?
1. You can’t change another person. Whining, begging, threatening or rationalizing can be annoying. In fact, the more you put pressure on the other person, the more that person will likely pull away from you. As much as we wish it would happen, people never love you so much that they change because you think they should. If they change it’s because change works for them.
2. S/he is likely not going to change. The person you care about has spent a lifetime to acquire an established pattern of living that works for them – even if it seems to be dysfunction to you. There is an old expression that states “Men marry women hoping they will never change but women marry men hoping to change them”. A person only changes when life doesn’t work anymore – not because you think change is needed. What makes you think that someone who has been drinking for ten years is going to quit because you think it would be good? People do thinks repeatedly throughout their life and will cling to their patterns and ideas.
3. One person cannot meet all of your needs. When you expect someone to meet all of them, you are just being naïve and will end up being very frustrated and disappointed. You must not only know what your needs are but also how to have them met in a healthy manner. Some needs can be met through family, friends. Some you can meet on your own. In fact, it will likely take a number of people in your to help you develop a healthy and unique lifestyle.
4. An affair will not improve your marriage. In fact, over time, it usually makes it worse. After the initial “glow” of the romance fades, you realize that you now have two problems – a bad marriage and a secret affair! Just look at the Hollywood tabloids to see how destructive affairs can be to your family, children and career.
5. If you aren’t a healthy person, it will be difficult for you to have a healthy relationship. I once heard a wise leadership speaker state that we marry at the level of our own needs. Perhaps you should be focussing on becoming a healthier, happier and more independent individual before you start thinking about having a relationship.
Perhaps you entered into a relationship with high hopes that are not being realized. You may be exhausted in your attempts to get your partner to do what you want and need.
Maybe you are focussing on the wrong person in the relationship.
If you really want things to improve, perhaps you could begin by scheduling an appointment with a psychologist who will help you to develop a plan so that your needs will be met in a healthy manner.
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